I finally managed to break of the end of the mica on the tabletop.
Now that it was done, I had nothing else to do. I shifted in my chair, trying to ignore the bastards outside the window as they stared shamelessly into the class. I wished i was anywhere else, sitting near the window proved to be more disastrous than i imagined.
When i got tired of covering my face, i turned towards the spontaneous conversation that’d been going on for the past free hour, thankful to be away from their penetrating gazes. It felt so much better having my back turned against them.
“Oh, done daydreaming about your Prince charming then?” Asked Liz, turning to face me with a smile. “I was juuuust talking about my boyfriend. You know, your relative?”
I pretended not to hear the last part.
The others looked up at me in surprise. “I thought i’d give normalcy another try,” I said, proceeding to scrawl on their table.
They turned back to my conversation as they realised i wouldn’t be joining in their gossip-session.
“So you think i should go or not?” she asked, turning to the others.
“Well, you’re anyway going to end up having it, just use protection, pleeeease.” Said zeb.
“Yeah, last thing this world wants is YOUR offsprings, the idea terrifies me,” I mumbled.
“Uh yeah,” Ash joined in. This was obviously her, topic. ” We don’t want little black fat kids with looks like yours and habits like his.”
We nodded in agreement, and she rolled her eyes.
“Who wants kids, anyway,” said zeb, Folding her hands together, looking around confident.
The question snapped me to attention, and i looked up from my scrawling.
“I sweaaar, I’m never having any. God, they’re all so terrible and have ‘responsibilty’ written in bold letters across their foreheads. Imagine living with them in the house, toorture!” Ash said, with a rigid expression.
I was sure i misheard her. Did she say torture?
Before i could collect my thoughts, Liz set off. “I’m not having them either, i’m going to live my life, party and fun, no responsibilities or worries.I
mean seriously, I can’t drive my kids to school and pay for them and all that.”
That was it. “Uh?” I said in an off-tone, my voice oddly high pitched. I looked around at them, trying to understand.
Zeb looked at me with appraising eyes, and her expression told me she was amused.
“Don’t tell me you actually do? Gee. you’re seriously starting to freak me out.”
I bit my lip, my eyebrows screwed up. “Well, yeah?” I said awkwardly, not knowing what she was saying. Not wanting kids? Are they kidding me? “I mean, i’ve always… wanted, them. How ca you not? They’re.. yours. Like, you’re their mother. They’re your own, every part of them, Flesh and bone. You have an actual life, left all to you. How can you talk like it’s some ..burden, or something? It’s not responsibilty, it’s love. They love you.”
I looked around for any signs of perception, but i found none. Ash just looked at me like i was crazy.
“You go wayy overboard with your stupidities, sheesh,” she said, leaning back on her chair with a mocking look.
It angered me, how they were so shut out from the magic of the whole idea.
“Don’t you get what a child means? Imagine having a little bundle of skin and flesh and bones, all that came from inside you, looking just like it’s father, imagine.. having those little eyes look at you like you’re the best thing they’ve ever seen, imagine how you’d be their little superhero, the one they love the most? Imagine hearing them tell you they love you, their voice devoid of anything that isn’t innocent and pure, Imagine seeinng them walk for the first time, Imagine making them happy with the little things they want, imagine being.. a Mother? How insanely amazing is that?” I set off, not knowing how much i was speaking all in one go.
I’ve always, imagined it. Each moment, picture perfect. I’ve always been jealous of mothers with their children, seeing the love in their eyes reflected back in the child’s not one bit less. The only thing that meant about hospitals to me was sneaking away to go peep at the window of the newborn babies. I’d forget how time passes, watching them stretch and wince, shifting their little red hands, their soft cheeks, looking so fragile and beautiful were they lay. I’d never been able to control the temptation to snatch one of them and just run away. When guys pissed me off when i was little, i’d used to think, what if i never found a boy? I’d adopt a child then, i’d decided with my 10-year old self. Whatever i’d imagined my future as, there was always my child, if not anyone else. Faceless at the moment, but still the most beautiful thing on the planet. Just the thought makes me smile at my worst. I’ve always, craved motherhood.
Giving up my life for something so beautiful was simply irresistible.
But obviously, not everyone saw it for what it really is, including the people i was currently in a conversation with. On the contrary, they were …against it?
Honestly, the way they looked at me after my long uninterrupted speech made me want to punch sense into them. Zeb snorted, and ash LAUGHED.
I mean, what the hell. Liz smiled at my reaction at their reaction.
“Dont look so bewildered, It’s not like you have a kid already, God, they’re just not seeing what you see in it, girl.” She said, though the look on her face clearly said that she felt the exact same way about it as they did.
They disgusted me. I turned back to the front again, trying to shut out the noise. I already have a kid, I Thought, resting my head on my table, smiling as i did so. In my mind, we’ve already been to the moon and back.
The fact that
